DANGERS OF A SEARCH,

Dennis comments ♦ July 16, 2020 ♦ 4 Comments

A recent youtube video reminded me of one time I was searched.  If you are squeamish or lack sugar coat or not use my usual vocabulary in this piece.  It will not be politically correct, fit for innocent minds, have a modicum of sensitivity or any special consideration for the reader.  A story like this can’t be censored or edited. The story is true.  Only the vocabulary has been changed to amuse the reader.  This is your last chance.

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If offensive language bothers you then GO NO FURTHER

This memory was the result of watching a cavity search of a motorist in Texas after a citizen had been stopped.  The officer stated he stopped the car because the driver tossed a cigarette but out the window.  After the lecture, he inquired about drugs.  When the two women in the car expressed ignorance about marijuana, he informed them that his old infallible trooper nose smelled marijuana and they would have to be searched.  The video then showed a front and back cavity search of the two women in the car, resulting in nothing being found.  I just had to relate my tale of my trip to Canada.

The trip to Vancouver Island started out inauspiciously.  I had just acquired another car and was set for a road trip.  However, although the car performed marvelously, I can’t say the same for myself.  I was in need of massive doses of Kaopectate.  Between Sinclair, Wyoming and Little America, I changed shorts 2 times.  The afternoon of the second day, the situation abated and the shorts were tightly packaged in triple plastic shopping bags and packed in a trash bag in the trunk, to be dealt with at our destination where there was there were laundry facilities.  Because I felt better and the underwear was well packaged, I forgot about it in the trunk.

We proceeded to Annacortes, Washington and spent the night after parking our car in the ferry line, ensuring our passage first thing the next morning to Victoria.  It was a great trip, whales in sight, no clouds or wind.  We stopped at Orca Island and two other small towns before approaching Victoria.

There was a customs inspection point and most cars were waived on through after showing identification.  However, I had to toy with the customs agent.

“You’re an American?

“Yes, that’s what it says on the passport.”

“Have you ever been in Court on a Driving Under the Influence charge?”

“Yes, several times.”

“Were you convicted?”

“No but many of my clients were.  I’m a defense attorney.”

For some reason the Mounty wasn’t amused.  “Over there, smartass” he commanded.

He informed his comrades in red

“We have a smart-ass defense attorney here.  Be thorough with him.  You know how tricky they are.”

So, I was going to be subjected to summary punishment by the Royal Canadian Mounted Police for being a smart-ass attorney.  I watched while the 7 or so officers climbed all over my car, taking out suitcases and rummaging through them.  They were thorough indeed.  The Mounties were having fun joking with each other as they rummaged through the car.

“Open the trunk!”

I complied and watched as more suitcases were taken and opened.  Nothing.  Then he came to a plastic garbage bag.  Inside were some white plastic bags from grocery stores.  He lifted the bag out of the trunk. And the Mounties gathered around.

“What’s in there,” he demanded.

“That’s our laundry.”

He started taking clothes out and examining our dirty laundry.  He then came to the white grocery plastic bag.

“What’s in this one,”

“You really don’t want to know, I wouldn’t open that if I were you,” I emphasized, shaking my head no.  However, curiosity got the best of him.  They gathered around the garbage bag as the Mounty reached down into the bag, bringing out my excrement saturated underwear.

“Shit!!!” shouted the Mounty, while his comrades laughed hysterically.  His face matched the crimson of his uniform and his fury was hard to conceal.  He wielded his authority in a retaliatory way and had paid the price.  I suppose it was a shitty thing to do, but what the hell.

The delay was annoying and his retaliatory show of authority was over the top.  But his surprise and humiliation in front of his crew was well worth it.  I didn’t plan to return to Victoria in the near future.